Disco Time Travel Doughnut

The cow goes: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The pig goes: OINK OINK OINK

The sheep goes: BAAAAAAAAAH

The MRI machine goes: BRAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKK!

So, I had my MRI this morning.  It went surprisingly well. I have to admit I was nervous. As soon as I was scheduled, my brain went off the deep end.  “You have a rare form of knee cancer!” or my favorite “Your family is from Roswell!  All the alien technology is going to be ripped from your body by the super magnets in the MRI machine!”  Those are the random thoughts that leave me with a “WTF?” look on my face and wondering exactly what the hell kind of crack my brain smokes while I’m not looking. 

So, alien technology worries aside, I show up bright and early this morning to get the paper work they couldn't do over the phone out of the way. Hospital reception staff were nice and courteous and after a few general questions (all about whether I had TB, or had been around someone who had it) I was actually admitted into the hospital.  This surprised me considering I was just there for a scan, but I was given two bracelets.  One with my general info on it, and the other a bright yellow one with big block letters that said: FALL RISK.  Apparently, they’ve heard of my renown cat like grace when confronted by ninja furniture.

Bastards.

So, after that’s taken care of I get sent to wait in the lobby area in front of the elevators.  It took about fifteen minutes, but pretty soon a tech came and fetched me back to a little women’s locker room area where I was instructed to take off my knee brace and put my phone and anything with a magnetic strip in a locker, along with my keys.  And to hit the bathroom.  This was going to take a while.  Man, they weren’t kidding.  ß This is foreshadowing, because, the brilliant person I am, I DIDN’T DO IT.

After stowing my stuff I was lead to this little room that housed what looked like the most technologically advanced doughnut that you’ve ever seen.   I had finally come face to face with the mysterious MRI machine.

Well, they had me lay down on the cot/shelf like thing sticking out of the techno-doughnut and then stuck my knee in another tube like thing and elevated it slightly.  As they got me ready, they gave me head phones and asked what radio station I wanted, then told me to hold still and shoved me in the doughnut of doom.

Hold still.  Simple enough, I thought as Disturbed started playing.  I closed my eyes and was getting into the music, ignoring the fact I was stuck in a disco-doughnut and my knee was hurting a little bit.

BRAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNK!

I about shit myself.

It sounded like the hateful scream of a dying, sixty foot tall, radioactive goose.  This I was not expecting.  I am proud that I didn’t jump out of the doughnut and run for the fucking hills, because…well, giant fucking geese were honking at me.   Plus, there wouldn’t have been much running.   More like hobbling.  Or limping.

In the seconds it takes me to ascertain that this is part of the scan, I relax and try to listen to the music.  The tech even comes on over the headphones and asks if I’d like it cranked up a bit. I, of course, say yes and soon loud rock music is competing with the disturbing noises coming from the MRI.

To be honest, it was almost like a Skrillex concert.  

Anyway, it took about an hour for the scan to complete and then I was freed from the doughnut and led back to the lockers.  And here’s where I actually have a moral to this story: I learned an important lesson today; when they suggest you use the restroom, USE THE FUCKING RESTROOM.  The half of a 44oz fountain drink you downed while waiting will haunt you during the scan.  Soon, that steely determination not to move becomes that steely determination not to piss your pants as you go cross-eyed from concentrating on holding it. 

I really should have unlocked a life achievement or something: “ACHEIVEMENT: IRON BLADDER unlocked by Michelle on 5/18/12.”   

As for the scan results, I won’t know anything until Monday.  I guess it’s back to the “hurry up and wait” part of the game again.